Tag Archives: Tween feelings and intense emotions

Kids have Deep Thoughts and Feelings, Too!

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Kids Have Deep Thoughts and Feelings, Too! Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

Kids worry all the times. Their thoughts, feelings and emotions are as real and central to being alive as ours are. Mr. Fred Rogers knew that intimately and sent his entire career helping kids via TV know that they were special and he liked them just the way they were. That message must never stop.

However,maybe often, in the hustle and bustle of living and getting kids ready for school, driving them to after school activities, thinking about braces, homework, calling them out on minor offenses, worrying about how we will pay the bills, and sometimes much more serious dilemmas: someone is ill, dad lost his job, the marriage is falling apart, my kid is being bullied, there was another shooting in a public school, a cousin overdosed on drugs, etc. we have no time to process the inner life of our kids.

But the inner life exists and begs to be heard. Questions about how grown-ups handle serious issues such as school shootings bother kids on a daily basis. Perhaps your kid wonders how it is that you and daddy go to work feeling safe in your offices and why is it that kids who are unable to really care for themselves to to school in buildings were people can suddenly attack them and their teachers with automatic rifles?

Kids are deeply affected by how other kids are treated, even a news item like kids being separated from parents at our borders can create feelings of despair, confusion and worries about how we handle children in our country. Also, kids wonder how and why people end up seriously addicted or dead. And don’t forget faith and religion, a topic older than that Bible. Kids wonder if there is an after life, why good people get hurt or killed, etc.

Let’s not be blind sighted. We may not have all the answers to ‘deep’ questions that have plagued sleepless nights of many for thousands of years, but we can be attentive to our children psychologically, spiritually and even politically. Here are a some suggestions:

Create a time for your family to share good news, good deeds, disappointments, concerns and questions. Creating a setting where people who love each other can sincerely listen and respond to anything from trivial good news to serious concerns will help your kids, whether they are 2 or 22 feel safer to share what is really on their minds. No put downs if possible and your job is to truly listen and create this space. That means no phones on, and maybe a treat, such as a favorite dessert. It also means you being honest and sharing your memories about ‘deep’ thoughts and concerns, and taking seriously what your kids bring up. Listening is only the first step. Action, where required is the next.

For example, in this film clip: https://vimeo.com/275643285 t

Kids Have Deep Thoughts and Feelings, Too! from Barbara Holstein on Vimeo.

he girl was very unsatisfied listening to her minister as he wasn’t talking about the issues on her mind. Ideally if she could have shared these feelings with her parents, they would try to come to some helpful conclusions. What they would decide is as unique as each family, but solutions could be to not force the girl to go to services right now, find a different church, discuss some of the ‘deep’ issues of life at home, take some social actions as a family in town, etc.

Beyond this film clip, if news events, from school shootings, to overdoses, to separation of kids from parents at border crossings upset or concern your kids, set a good example. Maybe call or write your senators and congress people with your kids present. Maybe write a letter to the editor of your local paper with your kids giving some suggestions. Talk about the importance of voting. Show them how a democracy works by you participating in the process.

The Truth for Tweens and Teens: Parents Please Come Up To The Plate

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A Party where Alcohol is served to minors from Barbara Holstein on Vimeo.

Anyone is raising a child realizes how exhausting and difficult it can be to be a parent. At every stage of development there are problems: How to potty train?; separation anxiety starting school; nightmares; siblings fighting; poor eating habits; whining; loss of a pet; getting adjusted to a new school; bullying; friend drama; etc.

But perhaps nothing equals some of the anxiety, rage and panic a parent can have once her child reaches being a tween and then a teen. Looming in front of her are all the reports on drugs, drinking, overdoses, suicides, guns, constant social media, YIKES.

Parties, friends, learning to drive, drinking, bullying, school work, family fighting, crushes, too early sexual activity. How can we stay alert to tween and teen danger?

1. Never to late to sit down with your tween and teen and go over the rules of your home. That can include among your unique rules such as shoes off at the front door, more general rules such as curfew hours, chores, cell phone usage, keeping you up to date on where your child is, money constraints, etc.

2. Rules are great but you don’t have to stop with the formality of the do’s and don’ts. It is a perfect time to talk about values and issues. Tell your tween or teen what your values are around such things as alcohol, drugs, sex, vulgar language, etc. Don’t be afraid, they want to know what you think about serious matters. And make sure you are clear about what is legal in your state. If the drinking age is 21, or even 18, if she is 17 and invited to have a beer at someone’s home, there is only one clear answer. “No, thank you.”

3. Most important is to help your tween or teen understand that you are on their side. No matter what tight spot they may find themselves in, they can always call upon you for help and guidance. Yes, you may be angry and at times even have to ‘act like a parent’ and yell or insist on things going a certain way, but it all comes from love and having taken on the responsibility of helping your child grow up to be a wonderful adult.

Take a look at the film clip above from ‘Help From Beyond, A Coming of Age, Selfie Film’. https://vimeo.com/247253509 I directed, wrote and am now creating the finished product. It spins off of my two books for girls, tweens and teens: The Truth, Diary of a Gutsy Tween and Secrets, Diary of a Gutsy Teen. In this scene the girl has gone to a party where there is drinking. Her mother is furious but also concerned. Can you relate to this scene? Feel free to share your thoughts.

From Monologues to Dancing the Tango, ‘The Locket’ Evolves into a One-Act Play

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‘The Locket’ started out as a series of monologues, grouped by emotions. Seven different girls played the ‘girl’ at different stages of her growing up and different moods. The ‘girl’ as a grown-up woman in a troubled marriage was played by one woman, Heather O’Scanlon. As the various parts of her talked about their own issues and problems and surprising wisdom, and as she responded with adult wisdom and love a dialogue took place culminating in the sharing of a locket which contained a secret that helped both the ‘girl’ and the woman she had become.

This version of ‘page to stage’ was presented in Asbury Park in 2013.

Another version began to emerge by the following spring. This time there were still 7 girls playing the ‘girl’ and again Heather O’Scanlon played the woman. However, also appearing was a Fairy Godmother and a Self. These characters added further wisdom and humor to the play. And of great importance: the husband appeared. The next reading was held at Tim McLoone’s Supper Club in Asbury Park in 2014. The reading, performed in front of a packed house, was met with rave reviews by many audience members. Some of the reactions to the reading were:

“Wonderful depiction of a young girl’s journey through adolescence.”

“This play helps adults understand how children feel. For example, how much they are hurt by parents fighting.”

“The Locket identifies with tweens and teens and the issues they face.”

“A very entertaining journey a woman takes from perceived crisis to self-awareness to empowerment through re-living her past.”

“An unusual yet needed attempt at describing the development of young girls to adulthood that is rarely considered.”

“The Locket is a compelling snapshot of the story of an everyday woman’s life.”

“The Locket is a warm reminder to girls and women to honor the truths in their hearts.”

“The play is a great reminder of who we are and why we think and behave the way we do.”

My relationship with my play ‘The Locket’ continued to develop at a dynamic pace. By 2015 a full one-act, 3 scenes play emerged. Stay tuned for more about this version as this is when the Tango became essential as part of the opening music and then full blown dance at the end of the play. Here is a taste of the full blown play with the Tango playing an essential part as the couple work on reconciliation.

‘The Locket’ encompasses facets of life, including the magic of resiliency, magic for real and the joy of dancing Tango! from Barbara Becker Holstein on Vimeo.

How did the Magic for ‘The Locket’ Begin?

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One day I was thinking about the girl in my book, ‘The Truth, I’m a Girl, I’m Smart and I Know Everything’ and I began to wonder, what would she be like once she grew up? Would she recognize the girl she had been? Would she be wise? Would her dreams come true? How would she handle the hurts, the dreams, the failures and successes that life brings? Would she find true love?

The universe I guess decided to help as I was awoken several times by lyrics that I had to write down. These lyrics were not sweet. They were the yearnings we all feel at times from the depths of our souls. Who will understand? Who will be there for me? Who will see what I see? The pain of living, the thrill of finding relief. It was all there. ‘Songs’ began to appear. Was this to be a drama or a musical? The universe hadn’t decided.

I guessed the universe was contriving for me to work on a plot I had not expected. But of course, who can refuse the universe and its forces? Certainly not I. What emerged was complex, several different scripts. I’ll get back to that later. For now, I’ll focus on what emerged as a One Act Play, with three Scenes.

And so ‘The Locket’ began to unfold with the ‘girl’ meeting herself as an adult woman. The woman being in pain from a marriage that wasn’t working. The Enchantress arriving to help both of them and the SELF, an invisible character helping in the plot to remind all of us that we each have an eccentric, selfish, loving self that we must preserve, help mature and enjoy.

Stay with me for more plotting and fun as I share how ‘The Locket’ began and what its all about!

 

Being a pioneer in Positive Psychology makes it perfect for me to be a Pioneer in Selfie Films that are both artistic and educational

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Being a pioneer in Positive Psychology (THE ENCHANTED SELF, A POSITIVE THERAPY) has well seasoned me to be a pioneer in Selfie Films. What is the purposed of psychology? It is understand the human mind and then to help people achieve good mental health. Understanding the mind, the way we think and feel, gives psychologists an edge in helping people as we can not only give advise and support, but can help with the strategies and steps necessary to feel better. Right now, the youth in our country have many pressures that they are dealing with. Sometimes the pressures lead to anxiety or depression, sometimes drugs, sometimes suicide. What can I do with my training to help kids and parents? Of course I can give a lecture or write a paper. But drama and story telling are often much more effective than those options. Drama, since ancient times has awakened people to what they need to do with their lives and how to handle themselves. That’s what I am doing in making Selfie films that bring to light many adolescent problems in away that penetrates without leading to despair.

I am thrilled to be making Selfie films that can successfully compete artistically in film festivals and then can also be used as important educational tools in and out of the classroom to assist in opening the doors to better mental health for kids, tweens and teens. Let me give an example, ‘The Truth, a Short Film’ is made up of sixteen scenes that are filmed by the star, Cassidy Terracciano, on her cell phone. Directed by me, but ultimately left by herself to film, using her iphone the scenes, adapted from my book, ‘The Truth, Diary of a Gutsy Tween’,https://www.amazon.com/Truth-Diary-Gutsy-Tween/dp/1628736119/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497579125&sr=8-1&keywords=the+truth+diary+of+a+gutsy+tween we experience an intimacy with the actress that is amazing. Like most of us, left alone in the shower we reach our ultimate singing voice, I believe that directing but then letting kids do the filming by themselves without a crew watching, is to the advantage for the audience,the material and the actor.

I present the kinds of issues, that left unchecked and not understood by the child and/or family members, can lead to depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, poor grades, drugs and even the ultimate worst, suicide. That’s because nothing is trivial when we are growing up. A crush that goes bad, a decision to move to a new town, friends left behind, parents fighting or maybe a divorce, friends teasing or bullying, all of these situations and many more can lead to a mental health crisis for a particular child.

However, I do not tell a dark story as a pioneer in Selfie Films. My films are uplifting and entertaining. The central characters find workable and uplifting solutions to their problems. The audience laughs, groans, remembers when they were that age, and are ready to start important conversations. I believe that combining potentially serious developmental subjects in a new form of filmmaking will result in happier kids, more successful parenting and mental health care when necessary in a more timely fashion.

Selfies as Film Can Lead to Good Mental Health

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My films, as a positive psychologist, turned filmmaker, are carefully designed to connect with young people and to arouse feelings and memories in adults. They are raw and real, as much of the filming is done by the actress with her own iphone, augmented at times with a B-roll team of camera people. Is the lighting perfect? No. Is the sound totally even? No. Do the films teach, give hope, tell a real slice of life so touching that the audience laughs and sighs from deep in their bellies? Yes. I am very proud of my films as they represent a true bridge between the authentic ‘self’ that we all need to stay in touch with, within ourselves, for good mental health and the integration of selfies into film making. How does this happen? On at least two levels:
1. For the actor, using an iphone or android to record his part, doing this on his own, in a private space after directing has taken place, lets his open up in a more intimate, personal fashion than when a crew is around. If the actor is more intensely engaged in his character and more at ease, then the audience will feel this intensity and more depth is achieved in the film.
2. For the audience the deeper the authenticity on the screen, the more they are captivated and drawn in. That is important for the work I do is not just an art form, it is literally to save lives. As a psychologist I know the angst and pain that can go with growing up. I know that not only do kids, tweens and teens need help in understanding the process of growing up, but so do their parents and teachers.
So to make films that drawn you in as deeply as possible and at the same time arouse interest in serious subjects that need to be handled and understood as we grow up is a win-win for everyone.

My films are reminders of hope and courage in all the angst and despair one may feel growing up. ‘The Truth, Falling in Love’ and ‘Secrets, are teaching films in that we get to understand adolescence better. Grown-ups have simply forgotten many of the emotional aches and pains of growing up. They need to be reminded. Kids are living these moods and emotions right now, but don’t know how to evaluate how they feel and often don’t know how to reach solutions to challenging situations they are in. My films help both kids and adults by providing the information they need. For example, in ‘Secrets, A Coming of Age, Selfie Film’, based on themes in Secrets, Diary of a Gutsy Teen, the girl is filled with normal feelings of jealousy and worry as she waits for her mom to have a baby. Two things happen that are important. When she sees the baby she realizes she has the capacity for positive feelings toward her new sister. Also, her mom is smart and makes her feel that she is still extremely important and loved. This is learning material. Watching the film and discussing it helps kids and adults see how our emotions shift and can move from hurt and jealousy to affection and caring. Also, we learn how important it is for parents to say the right things at the right time.”

President Donald Trump expressed powerful messages about bringing up girls that parallel my work as a psychologist and now a filmmaker!

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What are the core messages of my work? They are actually what President Donald Trump, during a recent speech for Women’s History Month, stated, “We want every daughter in America to grow up in a country where she can believe in herself, believe in her future, and follow her heart, and realize her dreams.”

I believe these core messages come through in all my writings, my work as a therapist in the treatment room, my talks, websites, charitable outreach efforts, plays I’ve written, books and films I’ve made based on both The Truth, Diary of a Gutsy Tween and Secrets, Diary of a Gutsy Teen. I am proud and excited about my new way of delivering my core messages. That latest method is through the production of my innovative, award winning ‘selfie films’.

In both of my films, ‘The Truth, A Short Film’ and ‘Falling in Love, A Coming of Age, Selfie Film’, the girl is able to find a pathway back to herself which gives her the energy, focus and stamina to go on successfully with her life. In the first film, ‘The Truth’ she achieves this in part by putting a secret message to herself into her locket which she can then wear close to her heart. In the second film ‘Falling in Love’ the girl finds a way to regain her sense of self and well-being through reaching deep inside of herself even when feeling miserable. Getting in touch with herself gives her the strength to go on.

The truth is in life, that unless we are able to savor our own talents, strengths and potential we are destined to be at the mercy of others. Everyone has an unique set of talents and potential. When these are crushed or not developed the person suffers. All of us have been stifled or put down at some point in growing up. But when it gets too much, for example when a kid is bullied, that person may end up so depressed that even suicide can take place.

I am thrilled to see President Trump’s remarks recently about how important it is for every girl in this country to grow up believing in herself and to follow her heart.

Yes, we must all make efforts to protect and educate our children so that they grow up able to get in touch with what I call their ‘Enchanted Selves’. That is the part of us that responds to a chance to use our talents, strengths and potential and responds to encouragement, love, good education, opportunities, etc. Yes, every child deserves to feel whole and able to follow her heart.

New e-book: A Selfie Film: Falling In Love: Based on Secrets of a Gutsy Teen

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Trailer for 'Falling in Love, A Coming of Age, Selfie Video' from Barbara Holstein on Vimeo.

Making a film is an incredibly exciting adventure. Even more exciting is developing a new form of filmmaking where the character films her own scenes using her phone while a film crew works around her. I am proud to be one of the originators of this form of filmmaking.

The script is done, but the twists and turns are never expected. Just like writing a novel, I found each film I produce begins to have a life and destiny of its own. This is so true for ‘Falling in Love, A Coming of Age, Selfie Film’. Using real locations is fascinating in and of itself. We chose Tuzzio’s Restaurant in Long Branch, New Jersey for 4 of the scenes. This involved the restaurant opening just for us, including the cast and over 35 extras. Food was served and scenes were altered to represent different seasons of the year. It was so much fun. Megan Brown, the star, did such a great job chatting up her mom (played by her real mother, Cris Brown) as they eat in four different locations of the restaurant, always with the same waiter hovering. (See the film to find out why he is so important).

Another fascinating aspect to making the film was all the filming we didn’t use for this version of Falling in Love. Why? Not because it wasn’t great but because the film was revealing so many important topics and life events that kids go through as they grow up that we just couldn’t fit them all into one film!!! Finally, with some disappointment I as the director, had to choose the clear focus of this film and save footage for at least two more versions of the same story.

Afterall, one look at the same circumstances is never enough. We all know how the same moment in time can leave each person involved with a different reaction or impression. Yes, this was a year the girl fell in love, but it was also the year that lots of other things happened to her. They were just as important and alluded to in this 14 minute film. But they couldn’t be fully explored. They will be as I unfold the next version of ‘Falling in Love’. Will it be the importance of friends as we become teens or the frailties, disappointments and shocks of family life? Stay tuned….

Meanwhile, the wonderful thing about A Selfie Film: Falling In Love is that the reader gets to see behind the scene photos and some of the footage of the final film while becoming in immersed in thought questions and discussions that can take the reader on her own adventure of either remembering the important feelings and decisions of coming of age or have a base to discuss these concepts with her family, students, friends, etc.

News Blast:
Come in see the premiere of this film March 4,2017 at the Brightside Tavern Short Film Fest in Jersey City, New Jersey. It is up for two awards: Best Experimental Short Film, and Best New Jersey Short Film.

Coming of Age and Falling in Love, seen through the lens of a #SelfieFilm

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Coming of Age is one of the most important hurdles that a young woman faces, filled with the issues of leaving childhood behind, the storm of the hormones and finding a place for oneself in society that is healthy, productive and fulfilling for whoever the young woman is becoming. Oftentimes it is also filled with disappointment and disillusionment about one’s chances in life. Girls suffer from all sorts of unexpected circumstances, including self-esteem blows, lack of academic opportunities, familiy strife, unexpected early pregnancies, drugs, etc.

I have been developing new means of sharing many of the above issues through the #selfiefilm.

There are so many new ways to use technology to tell these stories in film. I am proud do be an innovator specializing in Selfie Films. My innovative films incorporate Selfies as an integral part of filmmaking. In my latest film, ‘Falling in Love, A Coming of Age Selfie Film’, I’ve taken an historically important part of growing up, falling in love, using new Selfie technology to make the film. Megan Brown who plays ‘the Girl’, used her own iPhone to film all of her scenes. Not only that, she chose her own costumes, chose many of the settings and even improvised lines in some of the scenes. Thus we ended up with a story line that not only gives the audience many subjects to discuss about coming of age and dealing with the realities of a first crush but even gave the actress herself a chance to develop a sureness of herself as a creative person that wouldn’t happen in a usual filming situation. Of course we had a small crew of two camera people for B role shots and scenes. And the quality of the script had already been assured, as it comes from one of the books I have written for girls, tweens and teens. This book, ‘Secrets, Diary of a Gutsy Teen’, is published by Sky Pony Press.

What I particularly am excited about in this film is that you can use it as a teaching device, using each segment to further develop discussion and insights about subject material that relates to growing up, such as feeling lonely, anger at one’s parents for the decisions they make, jealousy, feeling sad, feelings of falling in love, recovering from down moods, etc.

Selfies as a New Took in Filmmaking

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A recent story on The New York Times website featured a new web series, ‘Ocean Parkway’, which takes its ‘quirky’ characters from the neighborhood streets. The series looks at Brooklyn through the eyes of two tweens and their parents. That web series has now been pitched to HBO with four episodes and is under consideration for development.

There are not enough series, nor films that reflect the ordinary lives of people in a meaningful way and that can be watched by all ages. My life work, as a positive psychologist, is based on the belief that listening to ordinary kids, tweens, teens, and adults and deeply understanding their needs, passions, feelings, longings and goals is the best way to get real understanding, compassion and problem solving going. The results are often extraordinary, as strengths, talents and potential begin to emerge.

‘The Truth, a Short Film’ and now in production, ‘Secrets’ both reflect the ordinary and the extraordinary of girls, tweens and teens in our society. In each film, a young girl, moving from being a tween to a teen, confronts all the issues of her life. She has angst and joy, troubles and fun while dealing with everything from falling in love, to family upsets, to struggling with loss, to finding ways to hold on to the best of herself as her life continues to unfold.

My short two minute film, ‘The Truth, A Short Short Film’, premiered at FilmOneFest in July. The film was chosen as an Official Selection in the Chain Film Festival held in Manhattan on August 13, 2016. ‘The Truth, a Short Film’, a longer 16 minute portrayal of a girl growing up, has been officially selected for the Golden Door International Film Festival to be held in September 2016. The Rahway International Film Festival recently chose the 2 minute version as an Official Selection.

Yes, the character, based on the ‘girl’ in my two books, ‘The Truth’ and ‘Secrets’ is both ordinary and extraordinary. But there is another twist to all of this. And that is the use of the Selfie in film making.

In both of these films, the actual actress, in ‘The Truth’, Cassidy Terracciano, and in ‘Secrets’ Megan Brown, not only play the part of ‘the girl’ but they do their own filming via their phones. This is an incredible leap in filmmaking. I directed both girls, but not at the moments they finally filmed themselves. They did that at home alone in the privacy of the merger of themselves with the character. I’m excited to see the use of selfies not only enhancing the actor’s capacities to make the character come alive, but resulting in a film that is a more intimate, ‘real’ artistic experience, for the viewer.

What does this mean for the phenomenon of Selfies? I think it means that allowing a person to get closer to herself, whether that means capturing on video or in pictures oneself via Seflies or whether it means merging the deepest parts of an actress with the character at hand has tremendous potential for mental health and for filmmaking.